Ask the Mad Scientist - Advice Column

"Worried Mom" writes to ask: "Our child is gifted, but sometimes does things I cannot understand or that don't seem to make any sense. I worry that she might be turning into an evil genius. How can I tell?"

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Dear Worried Mom,

There are, of course, warning signs that appear over time that will give you plenty of notice that your child is an evil genius and should be sent to a school that specializes in helping little Suzie or little Jonny develop their natural gift for diabolical chaos and harness it in such a way that they might one day stand atop the smoldering heap of civilization, lord (or lady) of all they survey.

You will know your child is a budding evil genius if...

1. if taking their pacifier out of the country violates arms control treaties. (Binky go boom!)
   
   
2. if their science fair project requires a license from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
   
   
3. if their Teddy Ruxpin only wants to read HP Lovecraft. (Favorite book: The Muppets of Madness)
   
   
4. if their "Tickle Me Elmo" starts to tickle back. (As if they're not creepy enough already)
   
   
5. if you put them on the changing table and they change. (Dr. Jekyll's infant formulae...)
   
   
6. if their tree house begins to draw a suspicious amount of lightning. (Bonus points if from a cloudless sky.)
   
   
7. if instead of dissecting their frog in science class, they reanimate it.
   
   
8. if the mock UN at their school imposes trade sanctions against their lunch swapping.
   
   
9. if they have an arch-enemy by the age of eight.
   
   
10. if they reach the top of the rope in gym class without touching the rope. (Jet packs: always a good sign.)
    
    
11. if their favorite night light is a Tesla coil.
    
    
12. if the monsters under their bed seek asylum under the neighbor kid's bed.
    
    
13. if their GI Joe action figures stage a coup in the playroom. (Two words: Barbie Guillotine)
    
    
14. if you tell them to paint the fence and find Haliburton doing it for them. (They made it look like so much fun!)
    
    
15. if their college fund gets a large deposit attached to a plea to turn the sun back on. (Eclipses are better than allowances. Trust me.)

So there you go, Worried Mom. Rest easy. Unless it's your bed the monsters sought shelter under.

Sweet dreams!

Don't touch that dial

After an unfortunate accident, I had to re-label my latest giant robot (he hates being called the Maraud-o-matic but I think it's growing on him. Kids! What are you going to do?) Igor chose the wrong setting and all hell broke loose!

This is why OSHA demands clear labels on machinery in the workplace. And a big red STOP button. Must remember to install one of those...

Goddam LOLcats. (shudder)

Jekyll's Martini Party

Last weekend I allowed myself to be persuaded to join the Jekylls for martinis. Pray, allow me to state upfront that this is invariably a terrible idea.

I dearly adore Dr. Henry Jekyll and his dear wife whatsername, but I do make it a personal rule not to drink any cocktail that is served with a body part floating in it pinioned upon a tiny pike.

And vermouth just is simply not supposed to smoke like that. I care not what the chemist told you.

The night was... transformative. I know that by the time dawn cut the clouds, we were all a bit green around the edges. Some of us more than others.

The party was the usual fare. Always the reanimators (Henry & Viktor were both there) kvetching endlessly in the corner about how modern people simply do not execute sufficient numbers of criminals for them to complete their ungodly experiments. John and Dejah swanned through uninvited as always. They did not stay, thank the dark powers -- such insufferable boors the two of them.

Henry, is a mean drunk and some feelings were hurt and the odd limb broken. But he is one of my few remaining dear friends from the old days and such ties must needs be kept. Bridges mended and tended as they say.

Just don't drink the martinis.

Blogging?

Igor says I need to blog. I do not know why. He fusses about how I do not fit in with the moderns, that I am too old-fashioned in my habits and dress.

I have begun to Twitter, which is well enough I guess. It does seem to be a decent way of gaining followers and we all need more minions. If there are enough over time, perhaps I shall start a nice cult like mother always wanted.

What else?

I should introduce myself, Igor tells me. I think he just wishes I would call attention to the caricature he drew of me and insisted that I post on this blog.

I really should rethink my habit of recruiting liberal arts majors as interns. They are just so thankful for the jobs, you see.

Decent minions, if you are willing to overlook their artistic quirks. I do not look like that. My ears are smaller and there are more resonance rings on my deathray.

I am Villainous Deeds, PhD. Yes that is my real name. My mother never forgave me for ruining her figure.

I am the latest in a long and distinguished line of Scientists and practitioners of the dubious sciences. My grandfather once conquered Europe at the head of an army of clockwork automatons but was routed when they all wound down at an inopportune moment. Such is the life of a mad scientist.

Of my illustrious education and academic standing, you may learn about in the dossier appended to this blog.

I was born in 2022 and raised in the 1890's. (Friends do not let friends have unprotected sex in a time machine. There are consequences to leaving a wet spot on the space/time continuum, let me tell you.) I hopped around quite a bit in the timestream until I left home in 1948 to seek my fortune.

Between 1948 and 1950, I vied for control of Europe with a French mad scientist name of Pierre-just-Pierre. It was at the height of this intrigue that Pierre's minions snuck into my lair and reset the alarmclock. I slept in my cryogenic chamber for 60 years, awakening refreshed and a bit confused at the dawn of 2009.

During my slumber, the brainwave enhancer designed to take me from being a mere evil super genius to an EVIL SUPER MEGA GENIUS malfunctioned and fed fifty years of television and movies through my dreams.

I am now an EVIL SUPER MEGA GENIUS of pop culture trivia. Not exactly how that plan was meant to pan out...

Capitalizing upon my strange new trivia mastery to dominate a series of television gameshows until I could buy a small island and withdraw to dream my evil dreams.

I am also taking extension courses at the local community college in Mega-Giaganto Robotics. Interesting stuff.

I think that is all for now. Sleep well, denizens of Earth. Know that your future dread lord and overmaster is awake and scheming and will be conquering you soon.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Wind on rainy night
Holds at bay the earthy scent -
Waterlogged zombies.

There's nothing more evil than pop music!

Welcome to my secret lair. Please, have some Zombie serum. It really is better over ice, but the machine is on the fritz.