Ask the Mad Scientist - Advice Column

"Worried Mom" writes to ask: "Our child is gifted, but sometimes does things I cannot understand or that don't seem to make any sense. I worry that she might be turning into an evil genius. How can I tell?"

---

Dear Worried Mom,

There are, of course, warning signs that appear over time that will give you plenty of notice that your child is an evil genius and should be sent to a school that specializes in helping little Suzie or little Jonny develop their natural gift for diabolical chaos and harness it in such a way that they might one day stand atop the smoldering heap of civilization, lord (or lady) of all they survey.

You will know your child is a budding evil genius if...

1. if taking their pacifier out of the country violates arms control treaties. (Binky go boom!)
   
   
2. if their science fair project requires a license from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
   
   
3. if their Teddy Ruxpin only wants to read HP Lovecraft. (Favorite book: The Muppets of Madness)
   
   
4. if their "Tickle Me Elmo" starts to tickle back. (As if they're not creepy enough already)
   
   
5. if you put them on the changing table and they change. (Dr. Jekyll's infant formulae...)
   
   
6. if their tree house begins to draw a suspicious amount of lightning. (Bonus points if from a cloudless sky.)
   
   
7. if instead of dissecting their frog in science class, they reanimate it.
   
   
8. if the mock UN at their school imposes trade sanctions against their lunch swapping.
   
   
9. if they have an arch-enemy by the age of eight.
   
   
10. if they reach the top of the rope in gym class without touching the rope. (Jet packs: always a good sign.)
    
    
11. if their favorite night light is a Tesla coil.
    
    
12. if the monsters under their bed seek asylum under the neighbor kid's bed.
    
    
13. if their GI Joe action figures stage a coup in the playroom. (Two words: Barbie Guillotine)
    
    
14. if you tell them to paint the fence and find Haliburton doing it for them. (They made it look like so much fun!)
    
    
15. if their college fund gets a large deposit attached to a plea to turn the sun back on. (Eclipses are better than allowances. Trust me.)

So there you go, Worried Mom. Rest easy. Unless it's your bed the monsters sought shelter under.

Sweet dreams!